Monday, August 5, 2013

an artist

You say you've been looking for an artist,
One to paint your world anew.
You say you've been searching for the rightness
To wash the colour from your blue.

You tell me all the things you tell me,
A pinch off every sordid scratch.
If I'm a puzzle piece, I fit...
But I can cut the excess back.

Something in the look you toss me,
How you flaunt your stare so well,
That I could not really tell you of
A dismal heart made to impel.

For everything I hold dear ground to,
Somehow I hope that nothing gives.
I can tell you'll do just fine here,
You say you've been looking for an artist.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

an individual unity

I briefly mentioned this idea in a previous note, but I wanted to go into further detail about the idea that humans are hard-wired to be selfish creatures, but for the overall goal of complete unity with all of mankind. The idea that we are selfish for selfless reasons seems ironic and contradictory, but allow me to explain my theory. I have said before that we are built to look out for number one with an "every man for himself" mentality, we are built with the survival instincts to be cautious of the rest of our species, wary and uncertain and skeptical of everyone we know. Questioning our faith and trust and love constantly, with more assurance and acceptance of negative things. We seemingly use and dispose of the people in our lives. Not everyone you cared for in your lifetime, friend or lover is still in your life, and not everyone who's cared for you still keeps you in theirs. Why is that? Are we a fickle, unreliable race to the point where we can never predict how we will perceive one thing over the span of a lifetime? An unavoidably fallible breed? Or is the answer much simpler?

I mentioned before that people come in and out of our lives as we need them. Either we see a lot less or more of them as time goes on, or an incident occurs that drastically and instantaneously switches the connection with that person, strengthening or severing. Is it all random based on the situation, or is there a sub-conscious affect,  a reasoning that happens below the surface. Since our brains are the control center of everything and quite literally entirely make us up as who we know or think we are, then is it not possible that they know things we do not? Is it not possible that if we were created for the sole purpose of acquiring and accumulating and retaining as much information as possible, and if that goal was the brain's primary objective, that it would control all outcomes to accomplish that goal? So, what if the brain sends out signals that attract certain people in your life that end up developing you further as a human in one way or another? I think we can all agree that every single interaction and every single moment with another person is an experience that alters or shapes even  single thought we have, and as in chaos theory, those initial and seemingly minute conditions can produce large and life-altering consequences or outcomes. If you actually think about every person you've ever known, there is one interaction with them that you can recall, and if you actually think about it, I am sure you will be able to source the significance of that interaction, what it did to alter you in any way, shape or form.

So, all of our interactions and all of our connections have made us this complete and functioning human. We are who we are today based on our experiences in life, and the build of our DNA and our brain, and nothing else. Our experiences with others are the most influential on our personalities, judgements, and perceptions and ideas of self and universe, and because of this, the brain knows who to let in our lives and why and for how long. It sends the signals to make the idea of the interaction appealing, to make the interaction occur, and when it is no longer necessary, to end the interaction.

Because this is all constantly happening to every person at all times, sometimes you are the product of another's development and sometimes you are the cause, and interactions will not always be jointly beneficial.

So, if we can agree that others are influential in our development, down to a science, then we can also agree that separatism is vital. If you were to constantly adhere to the needs of others and not your own, your own personal development would diminish, unless of course the adhering to another was in your personal benefit. The continuous reminder that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed. Even if you are the type of person, such as myself, that gains genuine happiness from assisting and putting other people first, it is the attainment of happiness and wholesomeness for yourself that keeps the selflessness recurring.

Thus, the importance of individuality and the ego center! I must look out for myself, just as you must look out for yourself, in order to be whole and complete, for only when you are whole and complete may you attain enlightenment and return to the universal energy where we are all one! Separateness is the most important factor in unity.

a completeness

So frail was her outline, that in her silhouette I see it tremble. I see it in the quiet cool of her power. A darkness of seduction, secret in a plain and descriptive light. She asked for whom the bell tolls, he said, "never mind."

She doesn't know what it is to be unwanted, undeclared, undesirable. So I must show her these things, must break her down to make her a whole and complete person. Worthy of every experience, of knowing every emotion. I must hurt her to heal her.

When I self destruct in a frenzy of self loathing it means an area of the mind is weakened, the lesson of the experience an over-stimulation to which my main defense is to shut down. It's a survival of the fittest mechanism built in. The weak die off... By their own hand. It does not inspire empathy. That's why bad things happen to good people, so anyone would even care. If you self destruct and get hurt, you've accomplished what you've set out to do. Congratulations.

"Don't I deserve to be happy? I don't deserve to be happy." You think everyone deserves to be happy, which means you deserve to be happy. Not because the believing of it makes you a "good person",  but because if you genuinely know that to be true, you know it can only be true if it includes yourself.

She asked for whom the bell tolls. 
He said, "never mind."


"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee."

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

a burning

    Impenetrable the force, an awaken of senses, of self. To know the burning truth, but to be seared by it’s horror. I tell you unconditional as I bury you under expectation. I hurt you for hurting me for breaking the illustrious status of forever. Oh, how I want to hate you, to loath you, but the fire that burns is the same passion and it always tricks me. That burning truth. What you are in constant contest with what I swore. How can I love me if I love you? How can I know what you do to me and still devote? The fire sears my mind, and the smoke clouds my judgement. Yet, there you are, to remind me of what it is. What it is that binds me, that holds me to this place as you burn me alive.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

a tapestry

    When you intertwine and mingle so tightly with another person, it’s hard not to lose parts of yourself when you try to pry apart and be a singular being again. Like sticky, clingy fragments of a substance, the individual threads of a tightly knit fabric. It’s often you don’t come out completely whole, or sometimes not whole in any sense, and instead need that time to repair and rebuild. And, like most things in nature, when the process is complete you come out better than you were before. Stronger. With more substance.

    If I would feel pride for any characteristic, it would be my ability to love. To love honestly and fiercely, with raw intensity.To love with everything I have. The passion in the soul of the woven tapestry of unity is what I desire. Though it is harder to break in the end, the experience of the rebuilding process has made me me. Honest. Fierce. Raw. Intense.

    If I have learned a generic lesson, it would be this; The mistake that people often make is to look for the logic in love, and forget about the heart. The magic that makes love worth having. The breaking down of the chemistry is just that: the emotion broken down. When you break something down it is not it’s self anymore. It is altered. It has new meaning, a lessened fragment of a meaning.

    I have spent many, many sleepless evenings and caffeine induced stupors in a meditative and entranced state of self enlightenment. Question after question, wonder after wonder. Thought after thought, sending my own head in circles, but sometimes to the result of a gratifying epitome. Sometimes, however, all I get is back to the same question; “Is it not worth dwelling on because we’ll never know the answer, or will we never know the answer because we don’t dwell enough?” In which the torture of the sickening spinning process starts all over. Then, the biggest enlightenment of all. In asking myself a million questions to define myself, I came to the realization that it is the questions themselves that answer who I am. The words I chose so carefully, the phrasing, the particular instinctual conclusions I draw for how I want to question my thoughts and actions. The more I judged my judgements and yearned for my lack of yearning, the more clearly I saw me. I was going about it the wrong way. Forgetting to think in abstracts. And all at once, and for the first time in my life, I completely knew and understood and loved myself.

    The mistake that people often make is to look for the logic in love, and forget about the heart.