Friday, October 28, 2011

a change

We toy with this notion that people can change,
They grow up, they grow old, they mature with their age...
But the ones that can't change stay locked up away,
Growing madder in brain 'til it disintegrates.
It's an earthquake of a secret I know's been around,
It shakes all the corpses right out of the ground.
Old habits die young, and the young they are bleak,
The tortured and cherished don't last on their feet.
When everyone crumbles, as everyone does,
It's the mad and the crazy that stay the same ones.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

an art

How could I resist? This illustrious existance.
The epitome of temptation.
A tangible of lust where you can't get enough.
I want to be good, but how can I resist
When my whispered sweet nothings beg tears from your lips?
And you're on your knees... How can I resist?
When my every move is your unfulfilled wish.
It doth bode well to say to the ego a sliver will dwell.
To utter a faint flick of wits and a charm reminiscent of innocentness.
Oh how could I resist you not resisting me,
When all it takes is a tainting of hopeful decree.

a blush, breath, heartbeat, sweat, shock, tingle, wave

A flush of colour, a tint of crimson beneath white flesh.
Vast and pure, as untouched as newly fallen snow, deprived of appreciative hands.
The redness of the skin burning through the inside out, hot to the touch.
A touch, and a quiver. A gasp of caught breath as the body reacts.
The heart beats too fast.
The pounding reverberates behind ears, in the core of the mind, sending signals and vibrations.
Tingles combine as the nerves stimulate and the senses awaken.
Tingles combine into a shock, a wave that ripples through and arches, curves along with the shape.
The subtle scent of fresh sweat and sweet perfume, airborne to consume in a desperate inhalation.
A droplet release, the sweat beads into tiny pearls at the surface. Reflective.
Suggestive of an overture of satisfaction and stimulation.
One with the other, one causing the other, one resulting from the other.
Pleasure in it’s purest form.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

a fair judgment

The only opinion I have is not to have an opinion. Opinions are based on judgments, and judgments  are false. I realize that in this realization I have made a judgment on humanity as an entirety...

We were born to analyze as a survival instinct that will eventually spell our doom.

You can command armies, countries, or individuals... But nothing makes you feel as powerful as when you conquer and become in control of yourself.

When you learn that people cannot be defined or labeled. We are too complex and there are too many variables.

I do sometimes believe that judgments are fair to make on someone that you know very well, however even in those circumstances there are many factors and experiences that you are not aware of that shape their decisions, and that person that they are around you may not be the person they see themselves as, or with others.

I was given two examples this weekend of scenarios that could be easily judged, but prove to be harmless upon close examination.

The first was an article I read in a newspaper at Starbucks. There was a lashing out over a french lingerie line marketed for 4-12 year olds. At first I thought, what the hell? But then I thought, what is it about this that I find unsettling? I actually read the article, and saw that in France, this isn't a big deal. It's outside of Europe that takes issue. I also read the owner saying, "These pieces are not transparent, there's no lace, and no bras in my collection. They are professional models." Then I realized that what people took issue with was the marketing for the items. The pictures the company took of the little girls in adult-like poses, with overly made up hair and faces. So, the issue isn't with the company, or with the "lingerie" itself. It was with the photos.

 Then I realized I couldn't judge this article fairly, because my issue wasn't with them, it was with the photographer and the editor of the shoot. Then I also realized that the intent was to sell the product to potential clients, not to "play up pedophiliac fantasies". And my golden rule is when the intent is not there, poor judgment cannot be placed. Once you take something out of context and re-define the meaning of what you're judging, it becomes something else entirely. How is that fair?

I also thought of my own modeling, and how a lot of my pictures can seem sexual but to me, my intent was to produce something unique and artistic and creative. If people took it as sexual, that wasn't my fault because it wasn't my intention. That was their own judgment call.

The issue was that the pictures were there to be accessible to pedophiles. However, if someone gets turned on by the thought of beastiality, should that mean all photos of animals showing affection should be banned? It's in the eye of the beholder, what we find pleasing or arousing. Someone will find something arousing regardless of what it is, or what it's intent is.

It is not up to us to deem something inappropriate, unless we see it in an inappropriate way... And if that is the case then it is not the pictures that are the problem, it is the viewer.

The second example comes from my friend Rob, who just returned from Italy. He said it was a custom there for adults to bring their children to the bars with them. Here, because of how our night live plays out, that would be completely unacceptable and taboo. However, there alcohol isn't a big deal. People don't binge drink, don't act foolish like we do every single week. Instead of looking at these factors, most just judge the outside fact of "bringing children to bars" as wrong. They ignore the whole picture.

What if everything you ever judge is viewed that way? If you take one step back, you can have a neutral take on something? Think about how much more open your world could potentially be, if we let go of these judgments and just lived our own lives.

Every action someone takes, every word they say, has a subconscious reason. A meaning. And someone once told me to take things at face value. You can't over analyze everything, because some things are just that simple.

Just let it go.

























Saturday, August 13, 2011

a flaw

Today, I was watching the first couple episodes of the Planet of the Apes TV series.
The one character was talking about how he couldn’t give up trying to get home, because that was hope, that was it. That was home! What else would you do but try to get home? And that makes perfect sense, because that’s all you know. But then, Brandon mentioned “Or he’ll get sent back into another time.” And I thought about that.
I thought that was a possibility, but once he reached that destination, he would just try to get home from there again. He would try over and over until the law of averages says it’s time for home, or until he’s dead.

Then I thought, if he did succeed and make it home, he’d be deemed a hero. He’d be praised for not giving up, and for following through with his goal with determination... But if he died, he’d be seen as an ingrate that went too far and didn’t respect the laws of the universe and tried to play God.

You can’t always win with everyone, because not everyone has the same perspectives on things...

I thought about humanity, again. I always come to the same conclusion...

To be deemed a failure, you must give up early, but it is overly ambitious to give up too late.
To be young and care-free means needing someone mature and settled, for when you become mature and settled, you are going to want someone young and care-free.
Knowing what you want will make you high maintenance, but don’t fall into the trap of indecisiveness by not knowing what you want at all.
If you close yourself off, you may become mellow and laid-back, but don’t become a zombie. And fear the psycho label for expressing emotion.

You must care too much about the careless, and not enough about what’s important to you.
Tell of all your flaws, so that I may forget mine.
Be that perfect gray area, where there is none.
And be everybody’s definition for everything, because you cannot be yourself when you are human.

To be flawed, to be false. To hate hypocrisy is hypocritical, because it is the human condition.


It is a very strange partition I am at in my existence. Because I know these things, I can’t believe in judgement or definitions. I can’t believe in deeming one person wrong or right. I have to accept and love everyone. But.... Because I know these things, I can’t believe in humanity, and I can’t believe we aren’t flawed.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

a chemical reaction

The idea of human connection has always intrigued me. Seemingly, we form physical connections with people and that involves emotional connections. We can also form emotional connections without any physical connection at all. Feelings and emotions are caused by chemical reactions in the brain. Love, passion, and happiness are experienced by a release of Endorphins and Oxytocin. Anger from the hormone Testosterone, depression from a chemical imbalance - A lessening of Dopamine, Serotonin. Our mental state affects our physical state, and vice versa. Our brain is the power house, the command center. It controls everything.

Of course, some will debate that emotions are unable to be explained by brain reactions. This is referring to the idea that there can be this blending of emotion. The grand scale of the human emotional spectrum isn’t a bullet-point list. You have love, anger, happiness, fear, etc. But are emotions always that definable? You can feel more than one emotion at once, and you can feel a sort of blending of different emotions that seems unfitting to a boundary. Those that argue against emotions being strictly an affect of our mental state will usually fantasize the notion of a separate being, or a soul. They will argue that since feelings are so inexplicable, and indescribable, that there must be some sort of higher power or being within our very own selves that controls these things. And most people believe in the idea of a soul, or something separate from their brains, usually using the heart as a metaphor, or a source for this “soul”. But what I find interesting, is that the very notion of the “soul” itself was created in our minds. We thought and believed in this idea using our brain.

I find a lot of people, and I used to be one of them, have an issue with making that connection. There’s the religion and science, soul and brain separation there. That somehow our physical state is lesser to our mind’s state, when really it’s all one in the same. In order for our mind to work in it’s fullest and proper form, our physiology has to be working properly, and when it is working properly, our minds excel. It’s a cycle that is connected. The idea of the soul, and our beliefs on that, is a perception. And perceptions are created in the mind. Our entire universe is in our minds.

By that rational, I have to question why our brains would chose to force this separation? Why our brains seemingly split themselves in these halves, constantly battling the other for dominance when they are supposed to be working in perfect unison. Why would our brains let us believe in things like souls, and higher powers, and destiny when our brains know the truth behind these matters. It seems as though there are things we cannot yet be capable of understanding, or that there is something else at play.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

a quote

"...even though you have more options and more opportunities to do what you want, you still find yourself trying to figure out how to re-create things that happen naturally... trying to re-create reality by using something that's based on algorithms and numbers. Say you were to take a pane of glass and drop it on a rock. Basically, the chaos theory, the breakage. You can always mathematically come up with the way the glass breaks, but there are so many variables going on in there that it's not something you can re-create easily, no matter how much technology you have." -Chris Olivia

I like to think of this quote in terms of humanity's ability to feel sympathetic and empathetic. This post relates to an earlier post made by Angela Albanese. When I read what she wrote, I thought of what Chris Olivia had said about not being able to map things that are mappable because of the variables. That's life itself, put simplistically. Things CAN be mapped out. Things CAN be determined, and asssumed and witnessed and felt, but nothing can truly be re-created emotionally. There are too many variables within ourselves as people. If you can't do this with a digital graphic, as Olivia was referring to, then how can we do this with the human mind?

We are far too vast. We can inspire empathy, but we can never invoke true understanding.

Having said this, I do believe that because all things in and on this universe are made up of atoms and molecules, it is possible to cause a re-arrangement of sorts in order to make an exact replica of an inanimate object. I use this understanding in my artwork. I break up what I am re-creating, if my art happens to be a re-creation, by taking every single speck of the original artwork in at a time, and re-creating each speck perfectly. Obviously my mind has not been trained to do this exact yet, but it is what I claim the cause and origin, what I hold responsible for having made such progress in my work in such a short period of time. 

However, when it comes to re-creating something inanimate that cannot be seen, and only felt, when feelings themselves are undefinable and sometimes unattainable, then this theory cannot be applied. There are too many variables... within personality, within upbringing. How do I know this person was raised to have the same understanding of the word "love" as I do? And in my experience and with my knowledge, that theory can never really be applied to emotion. We connect with eachother only through ideas, the idea that we do relate without ever really knowing it. If you watch a psychopath, they try to re-create emotion based on what they see, they can understand the meaning but can't actually feel the emotion. The meaning and the feeling are forever separate.

That, in itself, is a beautiful thought. We have no proof that we are connected, but we connect none the less through blind faith that we truly are having the same experience or reciprocating that same emotion that we seemingly have for eachother.

Monday, June 27, 2011

a dracula

Of milky white, the moon had shone,
A flesh to leave my mark upon.
An upmost fleeting of your grace,
Impaled a vampirific race.
To steal you, satisfy the crave...
I long to know how good you taste.
Lead us not into temptation,
Deliver from the evil one,
Of all the haunting, howled within,
"Forgive me, God, for I have sinned."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

a truth

Longing is the meaning to life. Life is a series of wants, not true goals. We are all governed by longing, and that is why we are never satisfied. Why we never truly make the right choices for ourselves. Why we claim choices are not easy. 
Choices are simple when the outcome is our own happiness. We know what we want, and unless we are stunted or disabled, we know how to get it. We chose unhappiness for the sake of others. Our desire to please other people is only fueled by our desire to appear like a good person. Our image and how we project ourselves to others is our main concern above all things. Even above our own true happiness. 
The only reason selfishness has a stigma about it, or is deemed as taboo, is because every single person IS selfish, so they project it onto everyone else and can recognize it in others. Then it gets out of hand. And in nature, when something gets out of hand, it gets expelled. We try to expel this "problem" of humanity. So we slowly kill ourselves with poisons and pleasures, and strive to better ourselves in ways that go against our natural instincts and desires. 
We don’t allow ourselves to be selfish because that would be the end of it all. There would be no longing, therefore nothing left to life as we know it. If all the worlds problems were solved in our eyes, what would we live for?
The next time you long for something, you can take comfort in knowing that even if you attain it, you’ll never be satisfied. You’ll only long for something else. 
We don’t allow ourselves to be selfish, therefore we don’t allow ourselves to be happy. We allow suffering because we cause it every day in ourselves. Every one sided relationship, every commitment or appointment or burden we keep out of guilt. We are our own impending doom. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

a religion

I find that humans have a fear of the unknown.
They want answers that they can't get. We are hard wired, it seems, to be scared shitless of the idea that we are alone, we have no purpose, and that we are just advanced bacteria. The idea that there is no real point to us being here, nothing matters because we are mortal, doesn't seem right to us. It doesn't seem fair or necessary to drag out these long lives, have goals and be successful, just to die off and have the world end eventually. So, because we cant handle these truths, humanity makes up reasons for why it could possibly be.

"We are a test, we are in limbo between worlds, between real fates. There is a higher power taking care of us." It's similar to the government. Somehow this giant that stands behind us makes us feel safer. I can walk down the street and feel somewhat okay because we have laws and for the most part, people abide by them. There are rules and structure and routine, and people need routine to thrive. To feel secure. To go about their days, and keep busy, so they don't spend too much time thinking.

Thinking ourselves to insanity is our flaw. Thinking too much will lead us to realize we are an insignificant speck on the earth. A bacteria. And we can be wiped out.

People cling to religion, to belief, to blind faith as a defense mechanism to hide themselves from the truth. From that realization they are afraid to make. From that daunting idea that cowers inside all of us, buried beneath years and years of regression. We ARE alone. We ARE going to die. There is no purpose, there is no use. So, what do we do with ourselves while we are here?

I believe there is a balance. You can know the truth and you can find a higher power within yourself. You can overcome the fear, and peer into the unknown ready for what awaits you. You can live life somewhat ignorant. Not plaguing ourselves with the constant torturous whirling of the mind, the thinking. But also not letting what little time we have here go to waste. We are all born with a brain that has the same basic functions: Survive, and reproduce. Knowing the truth goes against our natural law, so we fear it.

However, no one can be certain what the future holds. We know in this time and at this moment, what the probabilities for the future are. We know what is supposed to happen, but we can never be sure of anything except for this time, and this moment. So, we might as well enjoy it... Because no matter what the future holds, it is out of our control. It is inevitable. We are alone.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

a dream

Today I talked with a man who had a dream.
Well, in all actuality, this man had a coma.

He was in a coma for only 10 days. Now, this is where my fascination of brain function kicks in, because when he was in this 10-day coma, he dreamt. He dreamt an entire life of 45 years. He dreamt he got married. He dreamt he had two children.

The writer in me heard this story, and began to instantly whiz out a mini novel.
"Man goes about day-to-day life, starts having random flashbacks of some other life. A past life? Wife tells him, 'Those were just dreams!' Slowly, his world begins to fall apart. Things start fading like ghosts, disappearing. Weird happenings occur, and gradually we come to the climax. He wakes up. He was in a coma all along, and 45 years of his life are gone. He's aged only 10 days, and has to start all over. His wife and his children, the ones telling him the world is a dream, were all in his head."

But the reality this, that is actually what it was like for this man. His coma was very much like my pretend story in the way it played out. Almost exact.

So, it got me thinking...

When do we know we are dreaming? We only know we have dreamt after we have woken up.

Is life a series of dreaming and waking? Or only dreaming?

Time is all man-made. We create the numbers, the lapses. We create the standards of what time should be, how much time should have passed.

I began to wonder... When you dream in a coma, your brain is at it's most basic function. So, does that mean your dream is a reflection of your subconscious only? Your basic needs?

I thought, was his wife in the coma a half of his subconscious, him being the other. The two halves competing over what was reality, what they believed in.

This man had to live 45 years believing his old life was the dream, and then awaken to find out it was the  other way around.

How can you be sure of that after that kind of an experience? How can any of us be?

I will tell of my dreams, and people would say, "Dreams aren't real. They are in your head."

Everything is in my head. So, does it become a matter of levels?

"Well, how do I know I am not dreaming you up right now?"
"Because I know my own life, and I have lived it before you."
"But I don't know that. I only know what I know.  I could have invented you. Your whole history as I know it. I could have imagined your entire life to fit into mine."

The only thing that is certain to ourselves is our own life. Our own experiences. And the only time that is certain is this exact moment right now. We cannot be sure of the past, just as we cannot be sure of the future.

Consider those who suffer from split personalities. They create entire, separate worlds in their heads. They can hear, see, and feel things that are not there to us.

Your brain controls everything, so it can create anything. Once we tap into this, anything is possible.

Going back to the point of different levels... There are ones we allow our other manifestations, or other creations to see (The entire world I let everyone I know (Or have created) see and feel). And there are other creations we keep to ourselves. Hidden deep in our brains, secrets. As though those objects/people are projections of things we have to deal with in ourselves.  As though every person in my world is a projection of a different part of my brain. So, the "imaginary people" are just people I didn't want other people to know about. Parts of my brain that I am hiding from other parts of my brain.

I see certain people in a negative way, because they are a projection of something negative I feel about myself.

I hold other people on a pedestal, because they have characteristics I have fabricated to relate to the ones I like about myself.

Theory? Maybe. It's an idea, yes, but one I seem to always come back to.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

a cult

It has come to my knowledge that an alarming number of people follow this "man" as he explores his own beliefs and ideals, and these people believe so firmly that he has all the answers, that he has actually built a following called "Desteni". 

Some of you may have heard of this "group" of people before, and for those of you that have heard of it and are considering the genuineness of it, this is the purpose of this entry.

I have lost a couple of people that were very dear to me, and meant a lot to me to this group. They are in different stages of following, but both showing similar tell-tale signs of being led into a cult-like state of mind. If I can save any others to salvage any sort of wrongfully placed guilt I have for not doing more to stop this development, then great. If not, at least my voice was heard.

Let it be known that I am not here to name bash, or to tell on anyone. I will not mention these people at all, they are beautiful people. Sometimes, when you don't know who you are or what you want to do to help things, your mind gets weak with exhausting ideas, and even the most insane ones seem rational because only the insane ones seem to make a real difference.

"Desteni" is all about "equality" and "oneness". That is what they claim to be their main philosophy. They want to fully understand what it means to be a human in this world, our impact on it, and what we can do to better ourselves. They believe that bettering yourself will ultimately better the world, and they also believe in an equal money system. They are somewhat comparable to communism, in theory.

Although these ideas sound very nice on paper, the reality is that they are forgetting about the people with mental disabilities, the ones who have an underdeveloped frontal lobe, which controls emotions, and can't rationalize feelings. Or the people who are jaded and have had different upbringings and believe money is power, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. These people can not and will not ever change. Some of them will have children, and raise them on the same morals and beliefs and ideals. To say everyone should believe in the same things, live the same way in the same system, means abolishing all cultures, all religions, and all unique ways of life. 

Now, while this has its benefits (possible abolishing of racism, classes, hate crimes), it also has its extreme fall backs. There will be people that feel forced into a new way of life they do not believe in. They will lose their families history and cultures and norms. You can't just erase years and years of someone else's traditions just because one group of people believe they are right. Also, as previously mentioned, some people are hard-wired, and mentally incapable of believing that the way they think is wrong, and that certain things (racism, classes, hate crimes) shouldn't exist. These are very limited examples, but they give you the gist of my point.

The notion that YOUR idea is better than everyone else's idea, and that you have the right answers and everyone else is stumbling along blind, and that the only way to change the WHOLE WORLD is to fix YOURself,  is something called "Egocentrism", and you can learn about it in Psychology 101. 

For years, I have studied the brain and how it works, how people think. I am also an avid Biology enthusiast, and how organisms work and function. Now, assuming that all I have learned is correct in the universe, most of the prinicples of Desteni can be broken down into textbook case scenarios. 

There are many signs that point to the word "cult" when researching Desteni. Some major ones are:

1. The "main" members live on a secluded ranch that you have to be invited to join.

2. All members have shaved their heads, as a sign of equality. (Can be also seen as conformity.. Forming zombies/robots all with same look/ideals)

3. From what I have researched from members, they will give up things they normally cherished in their lives (relationships, types of music, activities) and see it as a sacrifice they are willing to make for their belief.

4. Members believe ONLY in what is said between the group, and are not open to the opinions and beliefs of others.

5. Members are made to feel that if they don't believe in the messages of Desteni, they have lost their way and need to work on themselves, which only Desteni can do properly. They provide "Life Coaching".

There are also things I have personally experienced that have aided me in this conclusion.
When I was watching Desteni videos, I felt very angry with the world. I felt like I wanted to cause destruction (i.e. running through a store, ripping magazines off the shelves, yelling things like, "You're all blind and know nothing!"), and there was actually a point where I was crouched on the bathroom floor, almost in a tearful rage, tearing at my hair and wanting to shave it all off.
But, I actually THOUGHT about these actions and emotions. Wondered, "Where are they were coming from?" Was it really "the world" and "society"  I was mad at? Or was it ME for not doing more? And if it was, was following this group and shaving my head really going to make a difference? When I truly thought about all this, I stopped watching the videos, and all of those feelings went away...

It seems as though most of the people of Desteni are intelligent, and have a good heart and good intentions to want to fix the world, and they also don't seem to be very educated in social sciences, psychology, etc. They also seem to be the best targets.

The reality is, no one can fix the world, and not one group will ever have the power to even do so. If you really want to make a difference, travel and become worldly. Expand your knowledge, real knowledge, by living and breathing OTHER cultures, other worlds, listening to real, legitimate doctors and psychologists and anthropologists. Get a taste for what is REALLY happening out there, not what you hear about at the safety of your computer. 

People who feel the need to have to fix themselves are never satisfied. They will never feel FIXED, because naturally you can't feel a hundred percent perfect about yourself. It's all about survival, you have a need to better yourself and to develop so you aren't "left behind". If the suffering people in the world had to wait around for us to "fix ourselves" and "be ready" to go out and help others, they would be waiting forever. 

There is no past, or future. Nothing is certain except for THIS moment right now. If you want to help, then DO something, don't just preach about what should be getting done and then blame everyone else for being blind and doing nothing. 

If you are not happy with society, remove yourself from society. Get off the computer, turn off YouTube, and actually make a real difference in someone else's life. You may find that much more rewarding, and what you were looking for.

Anyone who follows Desteni and reads this, will believe there are "x" amount of things wrong with me. That I have been damaged by this event, and this moment, and this memory, and these are all things I have to deal with to better myself, that I do not want equality in the world, that I believe in a failing system, and most importantly, that THEY can help me. (No, these people are not psychiatrists.)

I am whole heartedly and all for equality and I strongly fight for balance in the world. However, balance to me means everyone feels as though they are being heard, they are living for them, and they are who they want to be. That's real equality. Conforming to someone else's beliefs is not equality, it's a dictatorship. I am not wrong, I am me. I do what I think is right to help others, just as others do what they feel is right.

I am not saying these people are wrong, or that Desteni didn't actually help any of them, I am saying that no one has all of the answers. Although Desteni may have helped you, it can not save the world. We are a collective people, all individuals. Making everyone fit into one group is not the answer. I am NOT attacking Desteni, or its followers. I am merely expressing my own beliefs and opinions, as I have the right to do.

For more information on Desteni, you can view their website here:


They have a link to their videos with the caption:
"The information presented comes from the Interdimensional Portal who is able to create a physical-presence in the body of any expression on earth or any dimensional being (dead and non-physical beings). The woman's name is Sunette a.k.a. Winged."

The videos I have watched are on YouTube, and you can view them here:


Watch at your own risk!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

a mechanist

We are machines.

Something I touched on in a previous post. We now have the ability to recreate organs, skin tissue. Print it like paper. Recreate muscle tissue.

If we have already reached the point where we can recreate our own selves, who is to say somebody else didn't already do this in the first place? How are we not, looking at the human body, super androids. And the previous humans of our past not prototypes.

Let's take a look at the human body without the organs, and the muscles....

It's all wiring, isn't it? The blue wire and the red wire. All creating electrical currents in our bodies to power and supply our organs, our separate machines, the brain being the "power house".

What always interested me ... Was the idea that the earth would still flourish if we were not here. Even after being here, if we were to leave, it still would.

In biology, organisms adapt to their environments, and not the other way around. We are the only things that manipulate their environment and altar things for our own benefits. Instead of evolving and developing ourselves, we evolve and develop in our environment.

And, in biology, when an organism puts too much stress on an environment, the environment expels it. We are trying to ....outlive the environment.

So, what always interested me was...If we are not meant to make an impact... Which, I think if you look at all other things we are just in almost every way different ... If we are just meant to quietly come in and out of life...What is the point?

Are all we are merely overly evolved organisms...bacteria. From the prokaryote to the eukaryote over time. And if so, how would our brains have developed to THIS extent... If there was nothing natural there to make that development necessary. Everything else grows into the limits of it's environment. Fish don't outgrow a tank, Dogs brains don't develop more because we teach it more and more tricks over generations.

So, why do ours? Why are we so different, if we aren't mean to be?



Because, as it seems, we are just machines.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

a fascination

Gorillas are getting smarter.

Here are three links of newer discoveries, two of which involve the same gorilla.

In one, there are photos captured for the first time of apes mating face to face, the male looking into the females eyes.

In the second, the same female wades into water, realizes it's getting deeper, and goes back with a stick to test the depth.

In the third, one ape actually learns/mimicks standing upright from watching people in a zoo. He also learns to walk on two legs. Amazing.  Are we seeing what human evolution from apes may have been like?

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/02/photogalleries/gorilla-pictures/photo2.html


http://www.livescience.com/animals/050929_gorilla_tools.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG-VY6JiyDU

Sunday, January 23, 2011

a thought

What is life?
Life is a series of waits and wants.
Life is a struggle, a puzzle, a gift.
Life is.
More importantly, what is humanity?

We all see jaded, fuzzed. We are blurred, we are dirty.

To transcend the euphoric and exist in a dream. A zen like state of mind. Can dream become reality, and reality a dream? Can we ever learn to just be, without the being causing the breaking and the tearing and the destruction of ourselves?

Humanity is.

I'm split in two. Caught between the primal. The instinctual need. The sex, the cravings, the drives, the will. Caught between the calm, the blank calm. The almost emotionless sense of reasoning, of spirit, of justice.

Humanity is flawed.

Humanity is vain to have believed that, throughout evolution, we were the only creatures to focus on. As though we were the only ones evolving, always on top of the food chain. We always focus on ourselves.

Humanity is selfish. Strong enough to outlive, we ARE the main event!

So, have we always been at the top? Or has there always been something above us evolving? Something faster and stronger. And if so, imagine where these creatures are now, and how advanced they may be.

We care not to imagine the state of something we cannot comprehend. Something we cannot fathom the existence of.

For, as the man is insignificant in evolutionary terms to the ant, so may man be to an unknown.

The insect cares not for the human's state, as we care not to dream up the state of what may be. Something that, like the ant, we cannot comprehend.

This poses a different idea.

Humanity is always evolving, always moving forward. We don't fix issues from the past, we don't go back. We just invent something newer and better for the future. Always inventing, always evolving. Never going back. The progression of our technology and our understanding is so vast and incredible in comparison to the trends of the past.

Organisms adapt to their environments, but we change the environment and make it adapt to us.  Environments naturally try to expel organisms that disrupt their natural state. The environment starts to fight back, and what will happen with us then? We've survived this long on this Earth, but will there come a time when we are forced to make ourselves adapt to the new environment we are given? Like, for example, all trees being wiped out and humans learning to survive without oxygen. Or oxygen being artificially created until we can ween it off and our lungs develop in a new way. There have been studies done where a lactose intolerant organism is placed in an environment containing strictly lactose, and in a short amount of time, the organism is forced to adapt and able to ingest the lactose.

It gave me an idea. Imagine if humans were forced to evolve, and since things are moving quickly, evolve to the point of becoming separate creatures depending on the region they are from. If you look at humankind, it's all pretty basic. Sure we have different races and cultures, but we more or less eat the same, sleep the time, are made the same. When you look at the animal kingdom, you see variety. There are different species. Different branches of the tree of life. The diets, the ways of life, the looks themselves are completely diverse and distinct. So, what if humankind developed in a similar way? One human kind becomes multiple human kingdoms. We develop into different creatures depending on where we live. For example, people starving in Africa may learn to be able to live without clean water, and thrive off something like mud. People in California may wipe out all of their trees and be the first ones to attempt living without oxygen. Our bodies might change. As the structures of animals bodies are so vast, say like the snake or the cow with more than one stomach, couldn't humans bodies adapt to be different? We would turn into different creatures. Our bodies would contort and change shape depending on what we needed them to do. Obviously, like all evolution, this wouldn't happen overnight.

What if human and animal roles reversed? As we tried harder and harder to thrive in an environment, our primal instincts took over, and our right hemispheres in our brains diminished over time. And as we halt destruction of the earth, animals were able to surpass humans. Animals are now able to thrive and grow without the control and abuse of humankind. What if animals became the ones running the show? George Orwell may not have been far off.

An amusing thought.

Afterall, life is...
Humanity is...
Whatever we decide and whatever we have to make of it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

an expression

I believe when you write, you transcend all the analytic processes of the left side of your brain and all of the things you are truly feeling come out. It's very fascinating.

I find people are more demure about sharing things they've written and I think that's why. It's very revealing, really very personal.

It's so interesting to me. I mean you have these feelings inside of you, these abstract concepts, and because of the selection and the order in which you place individual words and letters, you can make someone else feel what you are feeling.

Words are always all the same, but they have a million different meanings depending on what you do with them.

a science

In our society today, science is seen as separate from spiritual beliefs, morals, values, religion. We often don’t link these things to science – think of the nature versus nurture debate. Questions of life, of personality, of right and wrong, are usually seen as unanswerable by science, there’s a separation there. When really, everything we know about our world, including our personalities, is all our very own perception. Images and ideas perceived by my brain, translate to what I see the world as. Our own worlds are realized in and are all products of the brain.

Let’s take a look at the brain. We all know that the brain has two sides, a left side and a right side, that are almost completely separate from each other. The main thing joining these two sides together is the Corpus Callosum, a thick band of nerve fibres in the middle. Each side has a very different purpose, or job. The right side of the brain focuses on the present, right here, right now. Taking in every single thing, through all of our senses, and on the scale end of things, is the big picture. The left side takes that big picture, and breaks it down, picking out details and details, and relating them to our past, and brainstorming possibilities of our future based on this information. So, when I have an experience, it happens first in the right side of my brain, then makes its way to the left where my brain analyzes the situation and tells me how to react, how I should feel about reacting based on what I’ve learned before about similar situations.

We’ve all been caught in the religion versus science debate at some point in our lives. Which side would you chose? Are you spiritual, or are you factual? But in all reality, we all have the capability to have both sides and use them simultaneously to make moral and ethical decisions, because these things are interchangeable depending on our experiences. We may have been born into one religion and raised a certain way, but our lifestyles and the environment we’ve created for ourselves could shape an entirely new persona. Take Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, for example. She is a Harvard-trained and published neuroanatomist. She had a stroke, and most of her left side was non- functional. She described it as “being an infant in a woman’s body”. And what’s interesting is, as the right side of her brain took over, she began experiencing herself as energy. She couldn’t differentiate the atoms and molecules of her own body with that of her surroundings. All she could feel was the energy given off of everything. She said she felt complete oneness and peace with the world and everyone. Everyone was equal, and it changed her whole outlook on life. You could say she obtained new values, new beliefs. She’s balancing herself out between the analytical definitive left side of her brain, and the descriptive and creative right side. She became more aware of the real lack of equality in the world.

What do most people value? Freedom from concerns like greed, hate, ignorance, jealousy? Do people value the idea of peace, and the ending of suffering? Most would say yes.
Most would say they value the idea of equality, and then go out into the world and continue to buy new clothes so they can look the best out of their peers, compete for the best grades, spent all of their time and efforts to accomplish all of their hopes and dreams, and when someone tells them, “You know you can write letters and donate money to help make large impacts on other people’s lives?” They say, “Oh, I would if I had the money. I would if I had the time!”

So, people hear this, and they see the harm that some people cause. They see the wars that are being created, the child abuse, the starvation, and we can all collectively agree that these things are wrong. We decide if certain facts are wrong or right, but wrong and right is a matter of opinion, you can’t really put any fact behind that. Facts are facts, and there is no room for opinion. This is why we have experts in fields of topics relating to facts, and there aren’t any experts on moral values. We know science is a study of what’s measurable. But let’s take a look at that. Are values not a type of fact? Dr. Sam Harris, a neuroscientist said that values are “facts about the wellbeing of conscious creatures”, and “when we talk about human wellbeing, we are, of necessity, talking about the human brain.” We feel right and wrong for topics that relate to the suffering or hurting of a conscious being –whether it’s that we feel it’s wrong, like most of us in our society, or that it’s necessary, like those in a Taliban type society.  So, why do we know right and wrong and how can these values be changed if they’re so embedded in us? What makes us make these decisions and form opinions, and have such a hard time really living out our true values and beliefs on a day to day basis? We learn right from wrong based on our experiences, incidences and events that are taken in and perceived by our brains. Peers shape us, culture shapes us, our environment certainly shapes us. All of these factors have a direct effect on our brains. This is why things normal to other cultures seem barbaric or completely odd to us. The world around us and our values are all just a matter of opinion and perception based on the environment we live in.

I’m going to end this presentation with an idea. The idea that we can explore the possibility that all these seemingly impossible to answer questions do have answers, and we can open our minds to the fact that values and opinions and beliefs can be interchangeable, an understanding can be reached, and an equality can be obtained.

a minion

In an unweilding and unpertainable cognise of sorts, I give you my finest. The unique and unattainable hyperbolic attributes that sustain the underground drift through and flicker, like the sun on closed eyes. You are a symphony. I am an instrument. Always necessary, yet replaceable. Vital, but unappreciated. Under-rated. Not recognised, but made aware of. You see me, but you don't feel me. I move right through you with every drawing breath, and you've been holding yours too long.


a glass

It's as if there had been, all this time, a sort of chipped and dirtied piece of glass before my eyes. I could not tell the difference in the trasnparency until it had been lifted from my view. The clarity would be inevitable...had I not all along knew the glass was there. Still, I left it in it's place, and filtered the world's light. I was altered, I was shifted. I saw things differently. That's why you never understood me. That's why you never took the time. I have removed the glass, just as it seems you've fallen into a piece of your own. I am clarity. You are confusion. At all the times like this one, we look to someone else. You are your own uplifting. You are your own clarity. The glass is only your hands, your closed eyelids. We are made of glass.

a realization

An irrevocable hunger drove a force that night. A force unrecognizable by her young naive eyes, mind, and self. She self-pitied, like only she could. Her reprimand was short and subtle, but noticable, and it took her world by force. Her world...the ones that loved her. In the absence of it all, a thing or two, she learned. Contentment and exaltation did not come hand in hand for her momentarily, but that moment alone was worth her entire life. When it ended, as it did, the result was a euphoric great so intense it could not be taken for anything else. Certainly not a reality-based dismal high that dropped you after a spell of temporary satisfaction. Oh, but a spell it was, and more! Changing her every decision, choice, outlook, action, thought. It was from a new perspective, she saw the world from a different viewpoint. That of which was truly absolute.

The concrete immortality of this authentisity, the tangible universe she now arrived upon, was as elusive as any immense life changing. This new wordly veneration predisposed her to see herself in the same way. Loveable. Interchangeable. She was still herself, of course, for one does not go against oneself when they don't stick to their first natural thought. By changing them, you are recognizing your innerself, and thoughts, and better suiting them to grant you eternal satifsaction.

 Ah, to be a better person, and learning so merely from the usual stages, implications, complications, entertainments, oppugnations, and dispositions that come from life. With many others to thank, of course. It's like your guide to the handbook, the instructions for instructions.

a philosopher

and did you know
you really know?
you say you have a dream.
a touch, a reach, a secret wish,
too close, as one can seem.

you pull apart, made to connect,
you rush to set at start.
you tell me of your premonitions,
you tell me with your heart.

speak your words with utmost grace,
science, philosophy,
and how's and why's of human race,
questions of why we be.

you open up, so cultivated.
so wordly, and grandeur.
you sing a song only i hear,
the notes, they are so pure.

so sing, sing, sing to me.
and i will sing to you.
no question of it, anymore.
be still, we'll move right through.

a copulation, fornication

To paint it up, I'd leave out blue...
My arc-de-ciel, I'd make for you.
With yellow seams all shining through,
Your passion party rent's passed due,
And all your cheques have bounced again,
But I'll just move you in my den,
Where we'll make love, and art, and love,
To show me what you concieve of.
It starts real big, unwinding tall,
But we're built to carry the haul.
Fragments interlocking minds,
In tandem, we'll recite our finds.
A pull, a push, a poke, a tug,
You are my psychedelic drug.
We see in living technicolour,
Blinded to the mean and rigor.
It takes one match, spark up the world,
Ribbons of lovers come unfurled.
And you're my flame, a spark, a spark,
I carry in my lantern heart.


a mess

Sifting sands out through the danger,
Tempt me with your minor, major.
Challange right to escalate,
Forgetting to hesitate.
And tell me of a thing as pure,
Feel for me a note as sure.
Hypnotize labotomy,
Free your mind to listlessly.
Take and I'll follow in suit,
Lifted to a higher route.
More than all, but not enough,
testing just what I'm made of.
And sparkle sweet, and sip the hum,
The underestimating one.
Hold your tounge, all ways, back from
Elaborating my kingdom.
Interpretate, well, how can you?
My thoughts are not yours to pursue.
You think you know, you feel you must,
A tandem in a cosmic lust.
Never you mind, anticipate,
the longing of your real long wait.
Or given up, left at the scene,
Could not tell what you really mean.
To anyone, a spasm thrust,
Results in same results to us.
A jitter, jabber, jibberish,
The point I lost, the point I missed.

a development

As you grow, you learn.
You learn that everything around you has beauty.
The life, the death, the grateful, the tragic.
You learn how to look from a different perspective, and sometimes more than one.
You learn how to listen, with empathy and not sympathy.
You understand the vital importance of forgiving, and truly forgetting.
You realize that everything has a set place, a purpose, a desire. No matter what happens, even if you don't, the world will still go on.
And after a while you learn to be your own good catch, and not worry about the one that got away.

an idea

Today, I saw a young girl. She appeared calm on the outside. Controlled, collected. Not calm enough, however, to not bring up a "boy issue" she was currently facing. The issue wasn't an issue. The issue wasn't even a conundrum. The solution was simple. Yet she stressed, and worried, and pondered.

When does life sweep toward the difficult? When does life make that switch from the dramatic to the truly difficult. These questions cannot be answered universally, for the answer is different for us individually.

Recently, I had a conversation with a person I am very close to. She explained that everybody feels the same things, just in different perspectives. Different situations. We cannot compare them, and the reasons don't matter. The feelings are the same. You can't say your feeling or hurt was greater than another's, because it is impossible to put feelings into words. Words are abstract, feelings are the only things that are real. It is impossible to feel what another is feeling. We can think that we know, we can hope. We can feel that we know, but we can't ever really know.

On that note, can we ever truly know anything? How do I know my experiences are real? How do I know that everyone around me isn't just a projection of myself, of different parts of me. I see problems in others, because I recognize them in myself. I know what you're going through because I've been there...Isn't that always the way? We can't be empathetic to something we know nothing about. We can pretend to feel sympathy. We can pretend we are hurting right along with that person, but it is never to the extent of the other.

In the end, everybody is always looking out for number one. You have to feel right in order for you to see right in others. You have to be happy to recognize happiness in others. People trying to change the world, often times only end up changing themselves.

Are constants ever good? Anything sitting in one place for too long collects dust. Glass gets more blurry. Crisp becomes faded.

The world needs change. Not so much change, but growth. Everything in the universe is a cycle. It grows, it dies. It is absurd to believe that people should not change. It is absurd to believe that people should change according to your standards.

There will always be the issue of right and wrong. Good and evil. Black and white.

These definitions were decided by a man. We respectfully follow, for the simple fact of understanding. Contemplating a situation. We all universally know things and can follow a conversation because of it.

What if my definitions are different? What if I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong, and only a matter of opinion?

And if they are different, how did they arise when everyone around me is the same? Influenced by society? Why do I feel out of place with my entire environment, and surroundings.

Are certain people meant for more than others? One person doesn't deserve more than anyone else. No one has lived the life of a saint, and we never know the amount of fuck ups a person has in comparison to their acts of kindness. But we judge all the time.

I am always conflicted with the idea that.... our brains work a certain way. That's just how it is. When society and environment and populations come into play, they are controlled by the limitations of the brain. We can't control a functioning society any other way than we know how. And we know how because of how our brains work. Everything in this entire universe, everything in creation, everything we feel we know, everyone around us....Could all be in our heads. And if it's outside of us, we can't ever be sure of it at all. And if we are limited, and can still create and do so many things in society....What are our possibilities?

If everything we know is controlled by our minds....Because all perspective comes from the brain...
Can our possibilities...Can the universe truly be endless...when that idea is too much for us to wrap our minds around? How can there be more than what we are capable of knowing there to be if we can't ever know it, how do we know that there is? How can we imagine something that doesn't exist and believe it to be real?

We don't remember to fathom. We don't think we should imagine. We don't plan to believe.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

an annoyance

The problem is that I think too much. Yes, that's it... I think?
And the problem with that is that I think too much about things that could possibly happen, and don't spend nearly enough time contemplating the things that are going on around me.

I stitch together words uttered by others, and focus on the overall meaning....But then I think, did that conjunction word go here or did it go there, did that one word start the first sentence, or the second? Because it changes the entire mood, the entire message of what they were trying to say. And then I confuse myself. And then I forget what they said entirely, and I go from one extreme to the other. If I am feeling pessimistic, they meant it to be nothing, or even hurtful. If I am feeling doubtful and hopeful, I cling to the possibilities that lay in there, and try to pick apart and analyze the sentence. Maybe what they said is a reflection of how they feel subconsciously! Pitiful. Pathetic. I just forget the placement of the words!! The placement of the words is everything.

In the end, it's all a waste of time, because people either don't mean half of what they say, or half of what they say comes out entirely wrong and that wasn't their point at all.

In the end, verbal communication has become far more vital in suppressing the spread of the meaningless.

In the end, I shouldn't care so much as to what people say to me, or what I read people have said. I should focus on the overall intention, and the overall message. Clearly. If I don't get it, I ASK and get a straightforward answer. Then again, that would be the obvious thing to do. The simplest. The most blatant, bland, and blunt. Which is why I don't ever often do it....Usually.

a longing

I used to write, once upon a time. I had a journal. Of course, it was an online journal. Paper is so comforting. It holds things for you and doesn't let go until you erase them. The computer has a mind of it's own. Still, we chose to type instead of write. It's much quicker, less messy to get your thoughts down quickly. And for someone like me, the thoughts, they come racing out of me a mile a minute and my hand...My written word could never keep up. So, for now, it is the computer.

I used to write for me. Poems and songs and phrases. The choices of letters to form my choices of words, stitched together seamlessly but almost never perfectly, forming the phrases that I hoped to touch, to reach others. It's all just jumbled letters. Why is my choice of the mixing's so special? Yet time and again I would write for others to read, and no one read. So, then I'd write for me.

I used to zone out, or rather, I used to entrance myself with the art of creation. Painting, singing, writing. It was all for me, and my time. I don't like to edit, or fix. What I've made is what I've made, and sometimes I don't even like it. All the time I don't like it, but I love it because it is apart of me. I love it because to lose it would create a void.

Recently, I have found that life is a sort of constants. It used to be a series of consistency. The same issues, the same days, involving new beings. As you grow older, the changes become more vast. More elaborate. How can you handle them when you had nothing to draw upon from recent experiences other than that day your hamster died, or that time your week old boyfriend broke your heart.

My heart has been raked. My mind rung dry of creative juices. I was left a shell, a zombie, a shadow. The wounds, the heal, but their scars ache reminders. Memories of the times you want to forget stay etched, to remind you that you want to forget them.

Then, certain people come along. And some of those people don't come along, but they've been always there and it wasn't until now that you were ready for what they are supposed to mean to you.

Then, certain people you have to let go of. People that once meant a lot, but their meanings have shifted with your reasoning and you and they no longer fit. And sometimes, neither of you want this, but sometimes only one of you speaks up. And the connection is lost. Network failed. Server dropped.

Sometimes, when one person comes into your life, another has to leave. For the balance of things.

This used to mean everything to me, but then,

I used to make sense.