So frail was her outline, that in her silhouette I see it tremble. I see it in the quiet cool of her power. A darkness of seduction, secret in a plain and descriptive light. She asked for whom the bell tolls, he said, "never mind."
She doesn't know what it is to be unwanted, undeclared, undesirable. So I must show her these things, must break her down to make her a whole and complete person. Worthy of every experience, of knowing every emotion. I must hurt her to heal her.
When I self destruct in a frenzy of self loathing it means an area of the mind is weakened, the lesson of the experience an over-stimulation to which my main defense is to shut down. It's a survival of the fittest mechanism built in. The weak die off... By their own hand. It does not inspire empathy. That's why bad things happen to good people, so anyone would even care. If you self destruct and get hurt, you've accomplished what you've set out to do. Congratulations.
"Don't I deserve to be happy? I don't deserve to be happy." You think everyone deserves to be happy, which means you deserve to be happy. Not because the believing of it makes you a "good person", but because if you genuinely know that to be true, you know it can only be true if it includes yourself.
She asked for whom the bell tolls.
He said, "never mind."
"No man is an island,
entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the
main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well
as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of
thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in
mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it
tolls for thee."